Take My Stuff - Please
As many of my regular readers may have already surmised, I like to shake things up a little bit, so approximately once a year I turn the tables and ask the questions instead of answering them. This year, I am going to up the ante a little bit and actually offer valuable prizes for good answers. Why am I doing this? you might well ask. Is it because I am rich beyond measure? Or perhaps the holiday season has got me feeling generous? Or could it be that I am doing a home remodeling project and need to get rid of a lot of stuff? If you guessed "all of the above," you may be well on your way to becoming a lucky winner!
Easy Questions - Send me an answer _ ANY answer! and you could win something really cool, like a pretty shell; a suede wallet embossed with the word "Feet"; a Monthly Planning Guide (year 2000) or a (used) Garth Brooks wrist band.
1. When will Taco Bell reopen? Did someone forget to tell them that the bridge has been fixed?
2. Just what is the average Winter Texan's idea of a fair price for a draft beer?
3. How many martinis are served at a typical Merry Martini... and which flavor is the most requested?
Harder Questions - These are a little tougher and may require some actual thought in addition to research. Send me a good answer, and you could win an (empty) decorative vodka bottle; a ceramic sculpture of a puppy crawling out of a basket, a pair of fuzzy dice (some reassembly required) or a metallic purple shark shaped bottle opener/keychain.
1. What does Mom Feets want for Christmas?
2. and 3. Why does everyone go to the post office the same time as me? And why do they stand in line (in front of me) to buy a single stamp, when they know darn well they will be back in another day or two to stand in line (in front of me again, no doubt) to buy another (single, probably postcard) stamp?
Rhetorical Questions - Questions that I don't really expect any answers for, but should you care to take a stab at one -- you could win a castle tower candle (still wrapped in cellophane); a toy replica of a Volkswagon Beetle (old-style, clear acrylic with multi-colored beads floating around in some sort of viscous liquid); a genuine Coca Cola polar bear tin or an old-fashioned phonograph pencil sharpener
1. Why do I always catch a cold in Dec.?
2. If a sand sculpture falls in my backyard sand box when no one is watching, does it still count as a "collapse"?
3. Why do I get a weird, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach when I drive over "that section" of the causeway?
Impossible Questions - There is probably no way anyone can even come close to answering these questions to my satisfaction, but the feeblest of attempts could win you a (fairly rusty but still functional) pink 7-speed bicycle; a wooden breakfast-in-bed table (partially stained); a pendulum clock that no longer works (and probably never will) or something equally wonderful (see photo.)
1. Where did all this stuff come from?
2. Why do I find it so hard to part with items I have had but not used, worn, or sought out for years and possibly decades?
3. Why does getting rid of such an item practically guarantee that I will need it within two weeks of its departure?
E-mail your answers to email@example.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
Fine Print: This is NOT A JOKE. These are REAL questions that I REALLY would like answers for, and these are REAL items I would REALLY like to get rid --- er, pass on to someone more deserving of them. Your answers might be used in a future column. If you don't like these prizes, there's lots more to choose from. You must come to my house to claim your prize from the pile on my porch. You may have to take more than one prize with you before I will let you leave. If you don't come to my house to claim your prize, I will seek you out to make sure you get your prize. No prizes, once awarded, may be returned to me under any circumstances.... no matter how much I may beg.